Limerence: The All-Consuming Desire That's Hard to Let Go Of
For many, a breakup can be a difficult time, but for some, the longing that follows can become almost unbearable. Anna* knows this feeling all too well. Months after her relationship ended, she couldn't shake off thoughts of him, replaying conversations and imagining reconciliations in her mind. Her therapist eventually told her that what she was experiencing wasn't just ordinary romantic yearning, but limerence - a psychological state characterized by intense, obsessive longing for another person.
Limerence, coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, is not a clinical diagnosis, nor is it recognized in the DSM-5. However, according to Orly Miller, a psychologist and author of Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much, limerence involves intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a powerful desire for reciprocation.
"It's like your own mind is stalking you," Anna recalls. This feeling can be overwhelming, making everyday life difficult. Orly Miller explains that limerence can also lead to compulsion - constantly checking phones, replaying memories, idealizing moments, and imagining future encounters. "It's not just in the head; it's a full-body stress response," she notes.
Associate Professor Sam Shpall cautions against seeing limerence only as pathology. "Tennov rejected the view that limerence is inherently unhealthy," he says. "It's a distinctive form of human longing, transformative and sometimes destabilizing, yes, but not necessarily bad."
While some see limerence as an all-consuming desire, others recognize its potential to be benign, even creative. However, when fantasy replaces reality, it can cause profound disconnection. Phoebe Rogers, a clinical psychologist, notes that individuals with a history of trauma or unhealthy love experiences may be more vulnerable to these feelings.
Limerence becomes unhealthy when it interferes with work, relationships, or self-esteem. "If thoughts of the other dominate your life, if you're in distress and can't stop despite trying, that's when help is needed," Orly Miller advises.
Therapy can help individuals regulate their emotions, recognize idealization, and understand attachment wounds that fuel obsession. By recognizing limerence for what it is, people can reclaim their energy and ask themselves what this longing really about - often pointing to neglected parts of the self, such as unmet needs for validation, safety, or excitement.
Philosophers like Sam Shpall see in limerence clues about human meaning - a desire to be seen and vulnerable. "To experience limerence is to confront desire in one of its rawest forms," he says. Perhaps the goal isn't to eliminate limerence but to cultivate it wisely, appreciating the intensity of human feeling without being consumed by it.
As technology and social media continue to shape our lives, understanding limerence can be crucial in navigating the complexities of modern love and relationships. By recognizing this intense longing for what it is, we may uncover a deeper understanding of ourselves and our desires.
For many, a breakup can be a difficult time, but for some, the longing that follows can become almost unbearable. Anna* knows this feeling all too well. Months after her relationship ended, she couldn't shake off thoughts of him, replaying conversations and imagining reconciliations in her mind. Her therapist eventually told her that what she was experiencing wasn't just ordinary romantic yearning, but limerence - a psychological state characterized by intense, obsessive longing for another person.
Limerence, coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, is not a clinical diagnosis, nor is it recognized in the DSM-5. However, according to Orly Miller, a psychologist and author of Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much, limerence involves intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a powerful desire for reciprocation.
"It's like your own mind is stalking you," Anna recalls. This feeling can be overwhelming, making everyday life difficult. Orly Miller explains that limerence can also lead to compulsion - constantly checking phones, replaying memories, idealizing moments, and imagining future encounters. "It's not just in the head; it's a full-body stress response," she notes.
Associate Professor Sam Shpall cautions against seeing limerence only as pathology. "Tennov rejected the view that limerence is inherently unhealthy," he says. "It's a distinctive form of human longing, transformative and sometimes destabilizing, yes, but not necessarily bad."
While some see limerence as an all-consuming desire, others recognize its potential to be benign, even creative. However, when fantasy replaces reality, it can cause profound disconnection. Phoebe Rogers, a clinical psychologist, notes that individuals with a history of trauma or unhealthy love experiences may be more vulnerable to these feelings.
Limerence becomes unhealthy when it interferes with work, relationships, or self-esteem. "If thoughts of the other dominate your life, if you're in distress and can't stop despite trying, that's when help is needed," Orly Miller advises.
Therapy can help individuals regulate their emotions, recognize idealization, and understand attachment wounds that fuel obsession. By recognizing limerence for what it is, people can reclaim their energy and ask themselves what this longing really about - often pointing to neglected parts of the self, such as unmet needs for validation, safety, or excitement.
Philosophers like Sam Shpall see in limerence clues about human meaning - a desire to be seen and vulnerable. "To experience limerence is to confront desire in one of its rawest forms," he says. Perhaps the goal isn't to eliminate limerence but to cultivate it wisely, appreciating the intensity of human feeling without being consumed by it.
As technology and social media continue to shape our lives, understanding limerence can be crucial in navigating the complexities of modern love and relationships. By recognizing this intense longing for what it is, we may uncover a deeper understanding of ourselves and our desires.
. I mean, it's like your mind goes into overdrive thinking about the person all day, every day. But at the same time, it's kinda romantic? 
It's like, you're so invested in this fantasy that it feels real, even when it's not. And that can be both exciting and terrifying 
.
. It's like, our minds are wired to crave connection and love, so it makes sense that we'd get caught up in these intense feelings sometimes. And maybe, just maybe, that's not always bad news 
.
. Like, if you're spending all your time thinking about someone and neglecting your own needs or responsibilities... then yeah, that's not healthy 
. But I think recognizing limerence for what it is – an intense emotional response – can be super helpful in navigating those feelings 
.
! It's making me realize how much I'm willing to get caught up in these feelings myself 
.
and I gotta say, it's kinda relatable 
. And now I know why my friends always tell me to 'just move on' when I'm stuck in a rut thinking about someone 
.
. The psychologist mentioned that it's not just about the other person, but also about your own needs and desires 
. I mean, think about it - if you're feeling limerence all the time, what does that say about what you want for yourself? 
. Plus, with social media and technology around, it's easier than ever to get caught up in all the feels 
. So yeah, I think this is a pretty important topic to talk about - not just for those who are feeling limerence but also for anyone looking to understand themselves better 
! I mean, who hasn't experienced that all-consuming desire for someone at some point? But, honestly, I think it's super interesting how psychology defines it as a separate thing. 
And, I'm with Sam Shpall on this, I think we should be more accepting of our desires and emotions. Maybe we shouldn't try to eliminate them entirely, but learn to navigate them in a healthy way.
That makes total sense to me. I think we've been conditioned to suppress or hide our feelings for so long, but maybe we should be embracing them more.
Maybe something with a lot of bold fonts and contrasting colors to represent the intensity of those emotions! 
. It's intense, all-consuming, but also kinda liberating? Like, when you finally acknowledge the longing and explore why it exists, you might just discover some hidden parts of yourself 
.